Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Warning:The following post contains a lot of negative vibes and is not exactly what i'd describe as feel good reading unless you are a sadist or my enemy.
Humiliation is lowering a person's status in his own eyes as well as other's eyes.
Being experienced in always ending up at the receiving end of humiliation,one would guess that I am used to the feeling.Well,in a way,it's led to heightened anticipation of the feeling in me,but the hurt,depression and self-loathing that follows,Nah,can never get used to it.
I've been a glutton for punishment since i was a child.I've been humiliated for a lot of things which may seem silly to those who did it or for those reading this,but to me,it matters a lot because now when i look back at what all humiliations i've been through,I think that maybe all these incidents have defined me to a major extent.
I have been humiliated for a variety of reasons since the beginning.Maybe the fact that i'm not a very sociable guy,my physical appearance,my lousy sense of timing etc etc.I don't know what,but a lot of ammunition has always been used against me for reasons way beyond my comprehension.Some humiliations can be justified as even i believe that i seriously had them coming,but some of them,i still maintain,i never deserved.They were just actions of pure spite by normal people having abnormal moments and unfortunately for me,my lousy sense of timing brought me in the firing line of their anger burst.
Now the above wouldn't have mattered to me had it not been for my high sensitivity level.Although i am not as sensitive as i used to be when younger,i still hate being embarassed.The problem here is that i never really grew a thick skin like most people i know.I sometimes wish that i could just forget whatever crap people tell me and move on,but sometimes it's just not possible as how much ever i try to forget it,I am not able to.
There are also many occasions where i have been used and taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who were out to pursue their own goals through me.An unfortunate problem i face(So do a lot of others) is that i am a little naive at times.Due to this,i end up trusting the wrong people most of the time.These people make me feel like they are my friends and will always be there for me while they have a good time at my expense and the day i cease to be of any use to them,they start treating me like shit and taking me for granted.
Why i am writing this is because today i went through another humiliation,this one coming after a long time and I seriously need to let off some steam.Now today's incident has left me confused.I don't even know if i had it coming.I'm not as angry about being rebuked by the authority as about the fact that a lot of people who hate me got a great opportunity to have a legitimate laugh at my expense.Now if my guess is right,i'll be the butt of jokes for a few days,then everybody will forget it,i too will forget most of it,but the humiliation will remain and will come up at the most inopportune times.
I know this is just another angry rant,but to be frank,this is what helps me from losing it.And to be frank,from now on,this is gonna be my only response to people who try to mess with my feelings and besides a wise man once remarked "It takes 72 muscles to frown and 34 muscles to smile,But it takes only 4 muscles to show them the finger"